***Warning: This post covers high level topics of abuse and conflict***
A few weeks ago my counselor and I talked about cycles of abuse. How there seems to be the concept that one can justify abuse if one just apologizes afterwards, it’s all ok. But we know it’s not, deep down – because every form of abuse leaves a scar on the subconscious. If we try to forget the abuse or stuff it down, it could come back to haunt us at the most inopportune time, place, or with someone not even connected to the event. If we also accept the apology and leave the abuse unchallenged, then this cycle continues and can lead to trauma bonding. This is when I learned more about repairing versus apologizing. That an apology means nothing without some form of action or change behind it, which is how we get the term reparations. Think of your time as currency, how was it spent? Was your time stolen? Would you be willing to give your time away again?
One of the reasons why this is particularly on my mind today is because I saw a infographic on Facebook that described “Rupture & Repair.” This image was created by Lindsay Braman, a licensed Therapist & Psychoeducator who not only practices counseling, but also creates art to help illustrate psychological concepts that promote healing. Her “Rupture & Repair” graphic helps illustrate that an apology sometimes isn’t always enough and that avoiding real conflict by trying to tackle the issue head doesn’t solve the problem. Also, if we keep avoiding conflict all together, we never get to flex (or in some cases even learn) how to solve conflicts in a healthy way. Instead one needs to move beyond the apology by accepting what they did, repeat back the scope of the damage, and then present an action plan how to move forward together in the future.
“Rupture is inevitable, repair takes work.”
Lindsay Braman, https://lindsaybraman.com/, 2021
The reason I think this is so important to talk about is because so many us us never learned the proper coping skills in the first place. We don’t know how to act or even identify the situation at hand. We need to expand our tool belt to include healthy conflict resolution and be able to identify when it is not being applied. I know that is why I am in counseling. All of our relationships, whether it’s a friend, boss, parent, neighbor, ect., need time and energy spent into growing something healthy and positive. It can be very easy to try and take control of a situation through bullying or even abuse. Those on the receiving end might not even know there is a problem and continue to accept the resolution with an apology. A heart full apology is only skin deep if you don’t have an action plan to end the cycle. A truth of life is we can never avoid conflict or dismiss the aftermath of it.
So ask yourself, have I been part of this cycle before – either as the abused or maybe the instigator? Were there real changes made? Was the apology superficial? Could is possibly happen again? What can you do differently? Will the other party really willing to work with me, or am I hitting a dead end? Are they willing to invest the time with me as I am willing to invest with them? Then, the next time there is conflict, do the work. Call out what just happened, take responsibility, identify the damage that it did from their perspective, understand your role, and make a plan to work together and move forward. If your conflict partner is not willing to put in the work, then it might be time to be honest with yourself and recognize the relationship might not be what you think it is. Sometimes you do just have to walk away. If you do make a break though, and start practicing repairing versus just apologizing, you will find that you will not only grow a stronger relationship, but become a stronger person.
If you want to learn more about “Rupture & Repair”, or just browse through inspiring mental health cartoons that promote change, make sure you check out Lindsay Braman’s website at https://lindsaybraman.com/ or follower her on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lindsaybraman/.
